Well, it's been a long time since the last time I wrote something here. I don't know. It's just... I have been feeling like there's nothing worthy to tell about what's going on in my life for quiet sometime now. And... I resent it. I loathe it. It's like I'm slowly but surely losing parts of my self. Parts that make me, me. And while I'm hopelessly watching that happen, it does feel like there's nothing I can do about it.
I first came to this place with a purpose. A strong will. And when that purpose is being snatched away from you; when you're faced with the reality that the institution you once hoped would help getting you closer to your goals, but it doesn't offer the kind of chance you wish you'd get -- well, you can't help but to find yourself feeling very confused as to why you should stay.
Do you know the feeling? The feeling of your gut knowing things, instantly grasping the whole situation of whether you belong to some place or not? You feel it so strongly you don't know why, but your heart just can tell. Yes. I'm talking about that feeling.
However this time, I've tried to talk to others and see what they have to say. A lot of times, I feel bad whenever I do this, cause it feels like I'm just burdening them with this crap of mine that seems so clichè or whatever. I feel like such a brat for always moaning and complaining instead of just accepting and dealing with it like an adult.
These people I've talked to keep telling me to stay. Repeteadly. To adapt. To be grateful of the scholarship. To appreciate all the gifts God has been granting me with, including this. To just, idk, survive and not give up.
Well, you see, I've been trying. So hard, I swear I have.
I've also been trying to tell them how I feel. That I'm not happy here. But it seems like no one listens to that part. So I've tried to set aside my feelings. I've tried. Convincing my self that they're not important and don't make things any better. So I have been trying to live month by month, week by week, day by day until it now reaches to the point of hour by hour. I'm just trying to get by, like what those people told me to do. Counting to the days when I can be free from my life here that is filled with emptiness. It's been almost a year that I wake up with no expectations, no nothing. I'm just trying to live, and not live at the same time. And that... That eats me alive. Because I'm slowly but surely losing parts that make me who I am. Or maybe, was.
There are a lot of days where I'm not busy with something and my mind just can't help but wander to that period of my life when I was full of life, laughter, and passions, and adventures that I couldn't help but to write them down here almost everyday cause I was afraid that I would forget, and was being fully aware that bad times don't last. Usually I end up crying, trying to sleep the heartache away, or finding something to do. But now it comes to the point where I'm tired of the crying-sleeping-busying.
Sometimes, there are days when I have no idea how I'm going to be able to pass one more day here. It's not even because of the academic things. It's more about the fact that I've always held on to the thought that I would only be here for a year. And now when things most likely won't go that way, I'm scared. So scared. I don't know why I have to still be here anymore that now I no longer have the cause.
I'm surrounded with people and I've never felt so so alone my whole life. And it's not that I don't make friends here, I do. A lot of them. We're just different types of people. I don't belong with them. I can't identify my self with the people here. And I've been trying to blend in. But the more that I try, the more that I feel like I'm trying to be someone who I'm not. Like I'm leaving parts that make me, me. And I'm scared. Scared that one day -- if this is going to be my life now for the next three years, when I look at my self, I no longer recognize the person there. Cause I keep losing parts of my self, and there's nothing that make me who I am left.
And It's like I'm watching a movie of how my life goes past by me in seconds, and how all of my other friends have moved on to their own future -- the next step of their life, and I'm still stuck here, not knowing why I'm here anymore or what I'm fighting for in the first place. I don't even know if I believe in hopes anymore.
Somewhere along the way, I'm lost. And dying inside.
And because all of those things, I'm scared... I've never been this scared of anything my whole life.