Saturday, October 26, 2013

Honesty Hour



I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay? You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. " -The Fault in Our Stars

and, I no longer feel comfortable writing here. I don't need someone to make comments about every single thing in my fucking life.




You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Monday, October 14, 2013

The Simplest Things I miss



Looking back...

A lot of times, people would say that it is not a good thing to do. To look back. But often times, people do look back to get assurance. They are in need of being reassured.

Reassured that what they are doing right now is right.
Reassured that they are still on the same track as they have ever been.
Reassured that the things they are fighting for are still those same things.
Reassured that it is okay to suffer for a little while to give a good benefit for all.

A couple of days ago, I did not mean to do this. But, seeing old pictures made me could not help but to do that.

I was scrolling down through gallery of my mobile phone the other day. And I could not recount of how many times I smiled. My mind, unconsciously, made a lap of listing these simplest things I miss from my high school days.

  • The best friends, the classmates, the people who know how to handle me at varied of times, who have been there from the start.
  • Using the back corner of the class to sit and play around, to make the most random arts and crafts ever invented, and to even sleep together while listening to the music through speaker and just sing it out loud.
  • Doing assignments in big groups while setting a playlist to sing along together (usually involving math and science, which basically are the two most difficult one, or any kind of subject really cause we just hate doing assignments alone. Somehow it feels right to look at another friends' answer and compare it with ours).
  • Bitching around of how much I wish the school would just erase the Sport subject.
  • The feeling of knowing that we are all in this together. Literally.
  • Taking photographs on no special occasions, just because we want to.
  • The other family. SMANDA's High School English Club.
  • The birthday surprises and treats.
  • Baking a birthday cake together in friend's house till 10pm.
  • Hanging out in school's canteens and having them laugh every time I unfasten my belt after lunch, cause my belly is just about to explode.
  • Those people who constantly remind me not to eat something that has a lot of MSG, ex: Indomie, lidi-lidian, etc.
  • Knowing 100% that they've got your back no matter what.
  • Bringing lunch box and share it with the class, then doing "Tawaf" around the classroom to ask some more food to everyone who still has some left.
  • Being stuck and having to wait for another minute, sometimes hour, together cause of the rain, the storm, and sometimes the flood (special for those who are in Kerangkeng only.)
  • Being able to cry in public without having the feelings of afraid for being judged
It's all about the other million of simplest things.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Rambling Thoughts


Be careful what you wish for.

Perhaps the situation that I am in right now is the exact-literal actualization of my months and months cursing and mumbling back in the past.

Back then, when I was pissed or something, I used to say "God, I just want to start all over again." or "Please just get me out of here asap."
And now, here I am. Getting all those things I used to pray for. Unconsciously.

But, is it a good thing that now I'm experiencing those things altogether?

My answer is, I don't know. I guess it just depends on how you want to look at things. Do you want to look at them in a negative way or the opposite.
But, somehow I'm proud of myself because, well, not wanting to boost my ego or anything, I don't really complain or moan as much here compare to when I was all privileged. Every second that I am here, I feel like I'm closer with my truly, Allah SWT. I tried to say grace every time good things happen. I tried to communicate with Him all the time and just discuss whatsoever things that cloud my mind. I tried very very hard to maintain a good relationship with Him. Yeah. Simple things like that.

Well, it's not so simple when you're here all alone by yourself, in a place you don't necessarily like, with people you don't know. When you have to fight to live your life day by day. When you can depend on anyone but yourself and Him. When all you have as companion is Allah SWT.

In a way, I am glad. Because these little things are the one who make me try to be more grateful for what I have each day.

Living in unfamiliar surroundings, you're forced -like it or not- to mingle, to adapt, to make friends, with the people you're stuck with. Cause they're the one you ask for help some day. You just need to accept the fact that not all people will live up your expectations, especially if you set it high. Still, sometimes, I'm still annoyed when people keep getting into someone's business. Maybe they're just the over-caring people type, but nah, I don't know. It's not like I owe them. Why do I have to explain myself to you? Give me one good solid reason. Reason. Not excuse.

If you ask me right now, I don't necessarily miss my home or anything. I just miss something that is Familiar. The people, the place, the food. I don't know. It's like you can't call me crazy if I say I miss my own bedroom with its privacy right? Yeah, don't think so.

And what bump me the most is that time the realization hit me hard, punch me in the face I would say, that this year there will be no my comfort zone. As much as I'm excited for other movies coming out this year, I'm lying if I say I won't be crazy depressed when there's no new Twilight this November.

How do I explain this? It's like, the past five years of my life, even though the whole year I had bad things coming right at me, I just knew that the pain, the hurt, the disappointment would all disappear once November came. I didn't care if through the whole year I had to experience not so nice things as long as I knew I would get the upmost joy in November. Twilight brought that payback for me these past five years.

You would never be able to imagine what it would feel like to be got it like this and to be completed by something that is now taken away from you.

So, yeah....




You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Pre-Post



The reason why I haven't been around much lately is because I'm having this writer block whatsoever. I have been meaning to write something that has been bugging me. A lot. Sometimes I have this need to write it down when the timing's not right, like when I'm nowhere near from my laptop, or when I'm not online, or so. And when the timing's right, such as like right now, I just can't get the words out. I don't know what to write, what to say. I can only feel it, and that is very frustrating. But I think, at one point, I will be able to write it down and tell. Cause I need it out of my head and my heart and just put it behind me and never look back. 

Just not right now I guess.

Oh, oh, and ICYMI, I hate a Hoverer.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Chain Lyric





"The Chain"
(Ingrid Michaelson)

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone

My room feels wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say that I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 




Sunday, August 4, 2013

1000 Times Lyric



Thanks to Lindsey Byrnes for introducing this song!
Ur right babe. "This song is unbelievable and incredibly heartbreaking"
Indeed it is...

"1000 Times"
(Sara Bareilles)

Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us

A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it

Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret

In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Hey hey

Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it

Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it

In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Again again
I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth
Don't let a single word slip out

Wouldn't wanna tell you, no
Tell you, no
Nothing could be worse
Than the risk of
Losing what I don't have now

And we could buy the minute, though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out

That I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)
I would come back 1000 times


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, July 31, 2013

How to Save a Life Lyric



I went home today. Then, Grey's Anatomy was on. The one with the singing dialogue thingy episode. Song Beneath The Song one.
And, um, somehow this song just caught me off guard I don't know.
Like I was literally having a breakdown or whatever.
And still....

So, I'd like to post the lyric. Here you go.

--------------------------------------


"How To Save A Life"

Step one – you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

And Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life


PS: Um, Well this is from The Fray actually. But I haven't heard the original version one yet. I just keep listening to the Grey's Anatomy Casts one.



You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, May 29, 2013

ON THE ROAD: Living Life Fully and Completely


I've always wanted to know how it feels like to be these people.

Living On The Road

I've always loved the idea of being on the road. Old car, good companies, good music, not having much money, no phone or internet. Simply just enjoying what's there ahead of you. In front of you. You have no other way but to appreciate it, every single bit.

Living on the road, you have to make your own way out there. You gotta live man. You have to brainstorm your ideas so that you can survive. But you can smell freedom and..and wilderness. No limits. You are allowed to not be friends with time. Tidak mengenal zona ruang dan waktu.

You are rich coz you can live so much. You get to meet a lot of different kind of people. Incredible.. incredible people. You will learn a lot from them. You will taste life lessons that others may not even get the chance.

I like the idea of giving strangers, I meet on the road, a ride. I like the idea of talking craps to strangers and hearing their stories for hours and hours you have no idea anymore cause you enjoy it till you realize it's time for them to get off of the car and leave cause they have reached their destination. I like the idea of working for others for free just because I can. Just because I want to help. And instead of getting paid, I like the idea of getting hugs and warm smiles, and good foods, and decent place to stay over the night in return, just because I want. I want to learn something. I want to do something. 

Always moving from places to places. Never staying too long in one place. Cause you can't get attached. Never settle.



That's the kind of life I've always admired and dreamt of. And On The Road and Into The Wild just make me wanting it even moarrr.

Someday.

Perhaps someday I'll get to do this.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Heather's "I'm a Huge Fan: Kristen Stewart" Experience



One Year Ago Today, just right after Rob's birthday a day earlier, Heather Duval met one of our biggest idol, Kristen Stewart. Thanks to POPSUGAR, not only she met her, she got a chance to sat down with her, talked to her (interviewed her) just like two old friends.



My first reaction when I first saw this video was nothing but sobbing the entire time. Really. I feel for her. I was happy crying for her, for Heather. I feel you bb. I mean.... C'mon. Whoever that is who watch this video and is not touched even a bit, there must be something wrong about you.

I don't really know how the quiz or this thing whatever works, but what I know is PopSugar have this online episode for fans to enter to win their chance so they can meet their idol. And Heather is one of the lucky one. 

Watching Heather's experience is just bizarre you know. It's like I really get how she feels and somehow knows what it must feel like to be in her position, but at the same time I don't. Not all. Coz I haven't been in that experience before. It's the weirdest thing, cause it is so so so very real and it seems unbelievable too. This experience of Heather's is definitely my definition of dream comes true. It really reaffirms my ideas and beliefs about what I have written in my Proposal Hidupku before. So yeahh. It really warms my heart every time I get to watch vids about fans meeting their idol, cause you know, there's nothing more real and surreal than that at the same time. Just like Kristen said, 
"Meeting fans like that is really fun. Cause they actually want to meet you. They don't just wanna like, post your picture on Facebook. So...you know. I think people are your fans cause you actually have a lot in common. So like meeting them is always really fun."
And that's one of the things what I really love about her, about Kristen. She's really so down to earth. And I'm saying this cause I do really mean it, not just creepy cheesy saying it for no reason or just to please her or something. She never think of herself different from us, the fans in this fandom. She always thinks of herself as one of us. As a group of people who have a lot in common, who love something, the same thing, so much together and really treasure it near and dear of our hearts. She wears her heart on her sleeve. How much you can just really tell that she cares and she's putting everything that she has into everything that she does. It perhaps only shows to some people, but you can definitely feel that shared energy that is the coolest thing in the world. She never put her in this position where "Hey, you know, I'm the it girl, I'm the artist and you're the fans." No. She never does that. Not even once. Not even before from the very first time. I think that's why so many girls can easily relate to her and love her. She doesn't fake anything. She is loved for who she really is. For her hearts and personality. For how she is. Not for her good looks, or for her Twilight fame, or her amazing acting skill. Beautiful from the inside. That's why I'm not so surprised when I read one of this comment on this vid comment section:
"I just find it kinda funny that Kristen seemed SO much more relaxed in this interview than in a lot of her interviews with professional talk show hosts. It's kind of adorable"
It's true though what she said. Kristen always does seem much more relax when she meets the fans, interviewed by us, talks to us, or simply just interacts with us. Rather than being interviewed and talking to the professionals. Cause I think she knows. Some of them do not really care about what they ask to her. It doesn't mean anything to them. It's just a job. Whereas, the movie that Kristen's promoting means the world for her. And sometimes, some of them just wanna get it done quickly so that they can start asking her about her relationship and other personal stuff, which clearly is her off limits boundaries. One of another proof that she really enjoys the companion of the fans and not just faking the happy rainbow expression.

One of the things I really admire from Heather is how she was so calm during her meeting with Kristen. She really nailed it. She was able to control her emotions and her fangirl emotion inside and save it for the last. Even Kristen admitted it herself. Great job gurl! Really proud of you here. :))

And this really, just even motivates me more to reach my ultimate dreams. To be able to meet Kristen and Rob, to get to know them, talk to them, work with them and be best friends. Just like Heather's experience...and much much much more than that. <3


PS: The video above is the part 3 of 3 of this Kristen episode. If you want to watch the process and things in between, here's the link of the first and second episode. Enjoy!!! :D

Once again, Thank you Heather for sharing the experience with us, and Thank you PopSugar for creating this opportunity for the fans.

Ciao!


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Monday, May 13, 2013

Dear Rob




Dear Lord,

Though we are unworthy to ask, please take care of Rob. Watch over him, protect him from all harm. Cloak him with Your love and give him the strength to endure all that is thrown in his path. Give Rob the courage and guidance to say no to those who ask for more than he can reasonably give. Surround Rob with loving and supportive people who love him unconditionally as we, his Twihards / Robsten Shipper do. Separate Rob from those who have agendas other than for his well being. Give him rest when he's weary. Give him stamina to sustain his hectic pace. Give him assurance when he feels doubt. Give him joy when he feels sad. Cloak him always in Your protective arms during this time on his journey. Keep Rob healthy and strong as he fulfills his destiny which was written in his Book of Life before he was born.

Though we may unworthy, we humbly pray.
Aamiin.

-Dhenya, 17th, Indonesia.
@mademoiselleDHE

PS: I'll see you soon in LA on July 2013!


You know you love me

xoxo, D.