Wednesday, October 15, 2014

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"Can we kill the dread
And replace it now with hope?
Can we start again?"
(Tyler Knott Gregson)


                  ------------------

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night

One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to...
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same

Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl

And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You gotta do what you should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One
������





You know you love me
xoxo, D. 






Friday, September 26, 2014




"Only know you love him when you let him go
And you let him go"

What you give from the heart, always comes back to the heart, for love always finds its way back home. 




But I don't really have the place or the right to feel so, do I? *sarcastic laugh*

God... How am I going to put this right? I don't know.

September 22nd, 2014. The day I watched my life -- the last thing that makes me hold on and have a little hope -- crumbled before my eyes.

And the pain. God, the pain. 
It's all very maddening. 
It's everything and nothing at the same time. 
It's like a huge hole has been punched through your chest. 
It's like wanting to scream from the top of your lungs just to ease the pain, but you just don't have the strength.
It's like wanting to curl up into a ball for the rest of your life, trying to cover that hole from leaking and sucking out of your soul.
It's like you're out of air and so desperately wanting to breath, but it just hurts. So much that you opt not to.
It's like you just keep on drowning and not resurface.

It hurts.

I'm saying...it hurts.


But, I still have to hold on to a little faith. That this is just a phase that we all have to go through. That at the end of the day, AllahSWT will open their heart and make them see. That AllahSWT will move them to fight again for something so true and beautiful, for what they have had these past 6 years. That AllahSWT will help them fix and get whatever shit they have/have had that is in the way right now together. That AllahSWT will show and give them their way back into each other again. That AllahSWT will let them get together again, very much happy and in love, for good.  That AllahSWT will make us all come out on the other side, stronger than ever.

Otherwise, I don't think I can survive. 

Because what really hurts is, whenever I see people don't make it and relationship  don't last, they make me believe forever still exists. And I'm just generally pissed at things right now, cause you don't just give up something so strong and pure like that. You don't just let it go and get a move on. You fight for it. You hold on to it until your last breath if that's what you have to do.

So yeah. I'm trying. I swear I'm trying to keep the faith. I have to. But, God, You know how much I need Your help.

So please...

Just please...


.....
Aamiin


                     -----------------

"If you're genuinely in love with someone I think it's quite difficult to lose that." -R

"It's one of the most complicated things to actually achieve in your life because there's something so inexplicable about that feeling. That you need to protect it." -K

"That it's hard, it's not free. That you know, you have to fight for it." -R

                     -----------------


The heart knows what it wants. Be patient, Hope. It will find it's way back home.




You know you love me
xoxo, D. 






Monday, October 14, 2013

The Simplest Things I miss



Looking back...

A lot of times, people would say that it is not a good thing to do. To look back. But often times, people do look back to get assurance. They are in need of being reassured.

Reassured that what they are doing right now is right.
Reassured that they are still on the same track as they have ever been.
Reassured that the things they are fighting for are still those same things.
Reassured that it is okay to suffer for a little while to give a good benefit for all.

A couple of days ago, I did not mean to do this. But, seeing old pictures made me could not help but to do that.

I was scrolling down through gallery of my mobile phone the other day. And I could not recount of how many times I smiled. My mind, unconsciously, made a lap of listing these simplest things I miss from my high school days.

  • The best friends, the classmates, the people who know how to handle me at varied of times, who have been there from the start.
  • Using the back corner of the class to sit and play around, to make the most random arts and crafts ever invented, and to even sleep together while listening to the music through speaker and just sing it out loud.
  • Doing assignments in big groups while setting a playlist to sing along together (usually involving math and science, which basically are the two most difficult one, or any kind of subject really cause we just hate doing assignments alone. Somehow it feels right to look at another friends' answer and compare it with ours).
  • Bitching around of how much I wish the school would just erase the Sport subject.
  • The feeling of knowing that we are all in this together. Literally.
  • Taking photographs on no special occasions, just because we want to.
  • The other family. SMANDA's High School English Club.
  • The birthday surprises and treats.
  • Baking a birthday cake together in friend's house till 10pm.
  • Hanging out in school's canteens and having them laugh every time I unfasten my belt after lunch, cause my belly is just about to explode.
  • Those people who constantly remind me not to eat something that has a lot of MSG, ex: Indomie, lidi-lidian, etc.
  • Knowing 100% that they've got your back no matter what.
  • Bringing lunch box and share it with the class, then doing "Tawaf" around the classroom to ask some more food to everyone who still has some left.
  • Being stuck and having to wait for another minute, sometimes hour, together cause of the rain, the storm, and sometimes the flood (special for those who are in Kerangkeng only.)
  • Being able to cry in public without having the feelings of afraid for being judged
It's all about the other million of simplest things.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Rambling Thoughts


Be careful what you wish for.

Perhaps the situation that I am in right now is the exact-literal actualization of my months and months cursing and mumbling back in the past.

Back then, when I was pissed or something, I used to say "God, I just want to start all over again." or "Please just get me out of here asap."
And now, here I am. Getting all those things I used to pray for. Unconsciously.

But, is it a good thing that now I'm experiencing those things altogether?

My answer is, I don't know. I guess it just depends on how you want to look at things. Do you want to look at them in a negative way or the opposite.
But, somehow I'm proud of myself because, well, not wanting to boost my ego or anything, I don't really complain or moan as much here compare to when I was all privileged. Every second that I am here, I feel like I'm closer with my truly, Allah SWT. I tried to say grace every time good things happen. I tried to communicate with Him all the time and just discuss whatsoever things that cloud my mind. I tried very very hard to maintain a good relationship with Him. Yeah. Simple things like that.

Well, it's not so simple when you're here all alone by yourself, in a place you don't necessarily like, with people you don't know. When you have to fight to live your life day by day. When you can depend on anyone but yourself and Him. When all you have as companion is Allah SWT.

In a way, I am glad. Because these little things are the one who make me try to be more grateful for what I have each day.

Living in unfamiliar surroundings, you're forced -like it or not- to mingle, to adapt, to make friends, with the people you're stuck with. Cause they're the one you ask for help some day. You just need to accept the fact that not all people will live up your expectations, especially if you set it high. Still, sometimes, I'm still annoyed when people keep getting into someone's business. Maybe they're just the over-caring people type, but nah, I don't know. It's not like I owe them. Why do I have to explain myself to you? Give me one good solid reason. Reason. Not excuse.

If you ask me right now, I don't necessarily miss my home or anything. I just miss something that is Familiar. The people, the place, the food. I don't know. It's like you can't call me crazy if I say I miss my own bedroom with its privacy right? Yeah, don't think so.

And what bump me the most is that time the realization hit me hard, punch me in the face I would say, that this year there will be no my comfort zone. As much as I'm excited for other movies coming out this year, I'm lying if I say I won't be crazy depressed when there's no new Twilight this November.

How do I explain this? It's like, the past five years of my life, even though the whole year I had bad things coming right at me, I just knew that the pain, the hurt, the disappointment would all disappear once November came. I didn't care if through the whole year I had to experience not so nice things as long as I knew I would get the upmost joy in November. Twilight brought that payback for me these past five years.

You would never be able to imagine what it would feel like to be got it like this and to be completed by something that is now taken away from you.

So, yeah....




You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Pre-Post



The reason why I haven't been around much lately is because I'm having this writer block whatsoever. I have been meaning to write something that has been bugging me. A lot. Sometimes I have this need to write it down when the timing's not right, like when I'm nowhere near from my laptop, or when I'm not online, or so. And when the timing's right, such as like right now, I just can't get the words out. I don't know what to write, what to say. I can only feel it, and that is very frustrating. But I think, at one point, I will be able to write it down and tell. Cause I need it out of my head and my heart and just put it behind me and never look back. 

Just not right now I guess.

Oh, oh, and ICYMI, I hate a Hoverer.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Chain Lyric





"The Chain"
(Ingrid Michaelson)

The sky looks pissed
The wind talks back
My bones are shifting in my skin
And you my love are gone

My room feels wrong
The bed won't fit
I cannot seem to operate
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

I'll never say that I'll never love
But I don't say a lot of things
And you my love are gone

So glide away on soapy heels
And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 




Sunday, August 4, 2013

1000 Times Lyric



Thanks to Lindsey Byrnes for introducing this song!
Ur right babe. "This song is unbelievable and incredibly heartbreaking"
Indeed it is...

"1000 Times"
(Sara Bareilles)

Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us

A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it

Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret

In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Hey hey

Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it

Cause love is a cage
These words on a page
Carry the pain
They don't free it

In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you

Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Again again
I let it go, let it go
Cover my mouth
Don't let a single word slip out

Wouldn't wanna tell you, no
Tell you, no
Nothing could be worse
Than the risk of
Losing what I don't have now

And we could buy the minute, though
Is it so bad if I wanna cry out

That I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry almost every time
But I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times

Make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
I would come back 1000 times (Hey yeah)
I would come back 1000 times


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, July 31, 2013

How to Save a Life Lyric



I went home today. Then, Grey's Anatomy was on. The one with the singing dialogue thingy episode. Song Beneath The Song one.
And, um, somehow this song just caught me off guard I don't know.
Like I was literally having a breakdown or whatever.
And still....

So, I'd like to post the lyric. Here you go.

--------------------------------------


"How To Save A Life"

Step one – you say, "We need to talk."
He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
Pray to God, he hears you
And I pray to God, he hears you

And Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life


PS: Um, Well this is from The Fray actually. But I haven't heard the original version one yet. I just keep listening to the Grey's Anatomy Casts one.



You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Wednesday, May 29, 2013

ON THE ROAD: Living Life Fully and Completely


I've always wanted to know how it feels like to be these people.

Living On The Road

I've always loved the idea of being on the road. Old car, good companies, good music, not having much money, no phone or internet. Simply just enjoying what's there ahead of you. In front of you. You have no other way but to appreciate it, every single bit.

Living on the road, you have to make your own way out there. You gotta live man. You have to brainstorm your ideas so that you can survive. But you can smell freedom and..and wilderness. No limits. You are allowed to not be friends with time. Tidak mengenal zona ruang dan waktu.

You are rich coz you can live so much. You get to meet a lot of different kind of people. Incredible.. incredible people. You will learn a lot from them. You will taste life lessons that others may not even get the chance.

I like the idea of giving strangers, I meet on the road, a ride. I like the idea of talking craps to strangers and hearing their stories for hours and hours you have no idea anymore cause you enjoy it till you realize it's time for them to get off of the car and leave cause they have reached their destination. I like the idea of working for others for free just because I can. Just because I want to help. And instead of getting paid, I like the idea of getting hugs and warm smiles, and good foods, and decent place to stay over the night in return, just because I want. I want to learn something. I want to do something. 

Always moving from places to places. Never staying too long in one place. Cause you can't get attached. Never settle.



That's the kind of life I've always admired and dreamt of. And On The Road and Into The Wild just make me wanting it even moarrr.

Someday.

Perhaps someday I'll get to do this.


You know you love me

xoxo, D. 



Monday, May 13, 2013

Dear Rob




Dear Lord,

Though we are unworthy to ask, please take care of Rob. Watch over him, protect him from all harm. Cloak him with Your love and give him the strength to endure all that is thrown in his path. Give Rob the courage and guidance to say no to those who ask for more than he can reasonably give. Surround Rob with loving and supportive people who love him unconditionally as we, his Twihards / Robsten Shipper do. Separate Rob from those who have agendas other than for his well being. Give him rest when he's weary. Give him stamina to sustain his hectic pace. Give him assurance when he feels doubt. Give him joy when he feels sad. Cloak him always in Your protective arms during this time on his journey. Keep Rob healthy and strong as he fulfills his destiny which was written in his Book of Life before he was born.

Though we may unworthy, we humbly pray.
Aamiin.

-Dhenya, 17th, Indonesia.
@mademoiselleDHE

PS: I'll see you soon in LA on July 2013!


You know you love me

xoxo, D.